Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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