On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
