I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.