Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads