I puked a lego.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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