Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
