I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
