if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
