the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
