is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
