I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
