we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't deserve a penis
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
