She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
