We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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