I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
