11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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