Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
