The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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