The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
