Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We have so much sex to catch up on
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
