There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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