allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
