Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
