i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jerry, you need to find god
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
