So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
