i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
