I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fuck appropriateness.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
