Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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