I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
