god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
