Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
