I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
