i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
