My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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