just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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