So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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