so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Are we still banned from the library?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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