just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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