maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
