I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think my vagina is haunted
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
