Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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