I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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