I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
