The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pants are for mortals
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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