Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
