If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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