I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
