You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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