i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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