No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
