She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Edward fifth and chaser hands
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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