So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
