I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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