Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
