The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
